Un texte que j'avais écris durant l'été, à une période très noire.. quand je lis ça, je me rends compte que j'ai fait beaucoup de chemin depuis.
August 11
How can two people so similar to each other, be so far away at the same time. Sometimes I just wish you never had me so I wouldn’t be suffering right now. It just feels like I’m dying from inside and no one even sees it. I just want to scream to the whole world how angry and sad I am. I want to punch something just to feel the pain. I want to suffer and cry and be miserable, because I deserve it. All my life I searched for someone to love me as much as I would’ve wanted you to love me, but I realized that the only person I need is you. I want you to take care of me when I’m sad, to take me in your arms when I cry, to tell me stories before I go to sleep. I missed all of this so much in my life, now I’m just crying alone at night, thinking about how stupid and crazy and ugly and fat I am. And ALONE. It doesn’t matter if they don’t love me, I don’t care, it’s your approval that I need. I always felt like I had a problem, and pretty much every day I think about it. Why is it that every fucking day I think about killing myself? I don’t want to do it but I just can’t stop thinking about it. It’s like I have voices in my head telling me to stop because it’s not even worth it anymore. Telling me that it won’t get better. I don’t feel like I’m going to live old and have a family and be happy like everyone else.
It’s hard to forgive someone who hurt you when this person doesn’t even know you’re suffering. How can you forget the past then? How can you look this person in the eyes and act like nothing’s wrong.
August 30
My body is so exhausted that I can’t even eat, or sleep, or even think straight. I’ve never felt so lonely in my entire life. Even if one person is there for me, I still feel like I need every single person to be there for me to feel better, especially guys. I just need a lot of people to fill the emptiness in my heart, because I just can’t do it by myself. I don’t know why I feel so guilty and strange inside, like I’m dead and everyone around me is still alive and living their lives. And I’m stuck in the past, trying to take care of myself, but I’m just destroying my body and my mind right now. I have zero confidence and I’m always insecure. And even if people tell me nice things about my appearance or my personality, I don’t believe them, and it doesn’t help me feel better. I’m ugly, but I want to be the prettiest, I’m fat, but I want to be the skinniest, I have small breasts, and I want to have big breasts… I’m so tired of all this, every second I think about my appearance and feel so bad. People are disgusting me, the only thing they think about is themselves, and they let you down the moment you most need them. I would never do that to anyone, I want to help people and be there for everyone and save everyone even though I feel worse afterwards. I just can’t take the weight of all their problems too. It’s making me weaker and even more depressed. And I’m so depressed already, and lonely and sad and angry, but at the same time it’s all going back to that same feeling of emptiness, all those emotions mixed together. And when people ask me why I feel that way, I don’t know what to answer, because I don’t even know myself, and then they don’t understand, and they tell me to make an effort and it’s making me feel so guilty and like I’m not normal. When people look at me, they think that I’m a lonely person who doesn’t need much attention, when in reality, I’m just always alone because I don’t want people too close to me to see how fucked up I am. And at the same time I need so much attention or I want to kill myself. If I don’t have anyone to talk to, I immediately start to panic and ask myself what I’m going to do to fill my emptiness. And if I can’t, I immediately think about killing myself, but then I try to find another solution. One thing that really annoys me is that I make really bad decisions and always change my mind afterwards and regret my choices. I left my boyfriend and in a way I regret it so much, cause when I saw him the other day I felt so good and I wanted him to take me back. But I never know if it’s because I still love him or if it’s because I just want someone to give me attention, so I prefer to be alone not to hurt him or lie to him ( even though I don’t even know the truth myself). I’m scared of the world outside my apartment, and I don’t even go outside because of it. I’m scared of everything that has to be done by myself.
Trying to be perfect works for a while, until things become uncontrollable and everything falls apart right in front of your eyes.